Fleeting Moments

Indeed there was a story of a girl who, upon seeing his face, fell in love with him without any questions as to whether he is rich or poor, or whether he has bad habits or even whether he is a criminal. She waited for 6 months with him talking to her, but she knew at that moment he was just half-heartedly talking to her, so when he finally truly said that he loved her, it was indeed the happiest moment in her life!

However, who is to know that the happiness was short-lived. He only kept his attention to her for the next two months and called it quits. She understood him so well for the past 8 months, knowing well that he has a lot of other girls in his 'collection', but was willing to say that she did not mind as long as he knew how to 'come home' to her at the end of the day. But perhaps, he was just not interested in a family girl.

And so, she embarked on a crazy plan, pretending to be someone else and chatted with him online. She pretended to be someone younger, someone without much gray matter, and within 2 days she had him asking "her" to be his girlfriend!

There the story goes, with her still hoping that perhaps one day he would come back and she would be willing to be with him again. Until finally she could not take it anymore because he had totally ignored her presence and refused to even give her an explanation for his sudden lost of interest. He had taken an interest in "her" instead, and so, to end the game, she decided to make a drastic story to let him know that his new "her" knows the old her.

Yet, that did not dampen his interest. Or rather, his curiosity. He still insisted on seeing exactly who it was that he was talking to, and so finally she got fedup and truly wrote him a letter, using "her" email address and telling him what a lecherous moron he is.

Nice? Well, this is a true story. When she had once thought of wanting him back, now she no longer wants that anymore. Let's just hope that now she is able to develop a better relationship with someone else, someone whom she fights with every other day and get mad with for an average of 2 weeks. They should just break off, this noisy couple, but love is there to bind, or does it? Maybe to her, there's no telling what is in his mind.

How Much Time Do I Still Have?

I don't know how long I still have to live.

A year ago I told Charles that I have problems with my stomach area. But I'm not yet dead. These days I eat papaya or spicy food and my stomach churns as if there's a hole in it. It hurts so much I can't stand straight or have a good night sleep.

Add on to that, my heart is breaking.

Scientific research said that human beings and animals are social creatures, always in need of company, thriving in company. But have anyone thought about the loneliness when all companies are gone?

I've always been quite alone but it was only recently that I started to think about this. I thought, I love Daniel so much. How do I feel if I lose him?

Horrible. There was a bitter loneliness that is coupled with helplessness. Nothing seemed right at all. Everything seemed dull and there's an agonizing feeling of dread. I dreaded to be alone without him.

Think again. I don't know how much time I still have.

I can only appreciate that before I go at least I found someone I can love so much. I can only appreciate my family, especially my mommy and my little nephew. I can only appreciate my late daddy for what he had done for the family. I can only appreciate my best friend, Wilson, and my closer friends such as Charles, Karen, Winnie and Nicholas because these people were there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I can only appreciate my colleagues for being such fun people and liven up the whole otherwise dead office. I can only appreciate my bosses for giving me the opportunity to serve in this company and for trusting my capabilities enough to give me this position and earn this salary.

I can only appreciate all my other friends, most of them just come and go and none truly staying long. I can only laugh and appreciate the brave approach of some guys who will tell me directly that they wish to elope with me, but sorry I do not easily love anyone. Besides I'm not that young to agree to elope so easily with anyone.

So I'm sick. And I need medication.

I used to think that I should abandon my medication so that I can be with the man I love. But what security is there? I questioned myself and I found out that I don't even know how to find him when I needed him most. I only know that I can't explain why I love him so. Fate? That was his answer. But where is fate hiding now?

At this moment, there is only one route for me, back to my medications. It includes meditation and dispassion. I wish to disocciate myself from all karmic consequences that can lead to future births and any other ties that binds. I wish to leave ultimately.

It's not that I don't love Daniel anymore. I do, I love him very much, more than he will ever understand. But I really think if I am ever going to suffocate him I should leave. Not just leave him but leave everyone else. Being associated is suffocating. And there's plenty of pain and sorrow.

Sorrow is an illness. Being attached to the sorrow, thinking that it will bring permanent happiness is insanity. I wish to be sane, because I don't think that Daniel will be feeding me my insanity.

Alone

I discovered that each time I feel down and unhappy, I'm usually alone in dealing with it. Can hardly have anyone close enough to give me that kind of emotional and moral support.



Recently my dad visited me in my dreams again, and showed me earthquakes. Similar to the tsunami few years back, a few days after the dream, I discovered that Russia, Japan and China had earthquakes and casualties in the quakes.



Can anyone understand this feeling at all? To know, but not know exactly where or when, and definitely can't help at all.



Is this a blessing or a curse? I have no idea. Don't know why my dad would appear in my sleep and show me these natural disasters, on things that I can't do anything about.



And nobody can understand at all. I spoke to my mom, she doesn't know what to say about it. I spoke to Charles, he can only say there's nothing I can do about it and it's not my fault that I can't.



Indeed, nobody can understand at all the agonizing feeling and the depression that follows thereafter.



Not just this, but I think each time whenever I feel down or in trouble, I tend to be alone. I had to pick myself up, except that now I have a very good friend, Wilson Chan, in HK who will blast at me whenever he sees that I'm down on the dumps and almost literally killing myself in my depressed state.



His blasting was good, almost like a good kick. Then after some talks, I might cry a lot, and then I will feel a lot better. Really thankful to him, otherwise I really won't have anyone to talk sense to me.



And this time, as always, I still need to handle things alone. There are family problems, and there are financial problems. I have the thought of marrying the man I love, but other people have other ideas of marrying me off to some rich man instead. How should I fight this battle?



Several times I wanted to renounce and be an 8-preceptor at the monastery, but each time I can't because of financial constraints. I can only finish paying up my credit card debts end of this year and that's when I will be free. I'm cancelling two cards from UOB Bank too, because they charge me if I don't use a minimum 6 times for each card per year. Terrible condition, isn't it? Doesn't matter, I still have other cards with annual fees waived and no such condition about using minimal usage per year for the entitlement.



Anyway, battles are meant to be fought. And most of the time I fight them alone. At least morally, mentally, now I have a best friend to keep me in check, and I won't give up on the idea of marrying the man I love. Either that or I don't marry at all for life. And there's only one "he", my heart is set for him alone and I won't waver for the rest of my life.

A year to clear misunderstandings

A year had passed since I last spoke to API Charles Goh (Singapore) due to some misunderstanding and some things that Kenny (Simon Fong) had said, which caused a lot of division between us.

But now, many things are cleared. It took one year. Previously, it took 1 year also for me to clear misunderstandings with Kenny (half Singaporean?). And I can bet that it will take me another year to clear misunderstandings I have with Andre (yet another Singaporean).

What is it about Singapore that it always take one year to clear up misunderstandings? Year and year ago, my ex from Singapore also took one year to call me back, but I cannot possibly reconcile in the relationship because I was too hurt to do so. (Had no regrets, except that up to today I'm still not married... hahaha!)

So now, what I'm going to do is to extend my apology to Charles and then to delete all other derogatory information about him in this blog and in TwinPumpkins.com blog. I might as well just delete off TwinPumpkins blog because I'm going to let TwinPumpkins die when the site hosting expires. (Honestly I wanted to delete this blog as well as TwinPumpkins' blog if it wasn't for the Bigfoot stuff I've got in here, it's a support document for API's Malaysian Bigfoot Enigma article.)

But while I wish to extend my apology to API Charles, I still don't agree with bringing in crew for expedition in the forest reserve in search of Bigfoot. Nothing personal, I'm just quite a sentimental environmentalist.

Hate to say goodbye...

I always hate to say goodbye, especially to those that I love. But circumstances forced me to say goodbye to my dearest and best friend, whose friendship I treasure very much.

We would still be best friends if it wasn't for one guy, who assumed that he knew all my contacts, and who refused to believe that my boyfriend is someone he doesn't know. As a result, my best friend became the victim when the self-centered guy went round telling people that there's something going on between us. Some might say, there's nothing wrong with that. But the problem lies in the fact that my best friend is a married man and the whole world knows about it.

You may say that I do love him, but not as a boy-girl relationship. You can even say that I love him very much, because we had a lot in common. I will even sacrifice my life for him if I had to, this is just how much I love and treasure his friendship. But our friendship had to end this way, as I became a source of his anger each time the rumour monger splurted out something on purpose.

This rumour monger did more than damage a beautiful friendship. For a while he was even trying his luck, telling me that he wanted to help me move house. But he also wanted me to spend a night with him in KL, and as adults, I don't need to explain just what he meant by that. All these, in exchange for the 3D graffic lessons he never gave and for the uninvited favor of submitting my resume to some companies in Singapore.

I preferred not to learn any 3D graffic lessons from him. I'd prefer to learn the hard way by reading, rather than paying for these lessons with such a hefty deposit. No thank you. And when I refused to, he started spreading all kinds of stories to others within our group of mutual friends, which caused hurt in my relationship with my boyfriend and with my best friend.

My best friend was really sensitive about this. In the end, it turned out that I became the source of his anger, and he just became very edgy about everything I do, even though sometimes I do think that it is not really that sensitive after all.

But I really do not wish to be the source of his anger, nor his unhappiness. I'm really sad, before I decided to just break our friendship to ease his agitation, I cried for 2 weeks, for him each day and night. My eyes hurt, but my heart hurt more. I knew that I will lose his friendship. Although he told me "nothing happened", I knew that it's time for me to leave.

I remember the nights we spent on the phone working on an assignment, burning my telephone bill to the mark of thousands. Yet, I find it worthy because of the friendship we had together. There were many happiness, a lot of joy, and I could share many thoughts with him.

But those days were over. Everything there is now is just memories. A love I share with a very close friend, my once best friend, who no longer is.

I wish you all the best. And... good bye, my dearest friend.

Paranormal experiments

I've got lots of resources, and very little time to write them out. But whatever it is, I already started on at least 2, with another coming up, on some paranormal stuff to combine theories together to form a whole story. Sounds incredible to most, of course, but that's the bizarre truth.

To read more about them, just go to my website at www.twinpumpkins.com, go to that section on Paranormal. You just won't miss it!

About Bigfoot and Big Bird

I was re-reading an article on the Malaysian Bigfoot by Charles of the API last night and remembered that he had cited my previous posts in this blog regarding the footprints that those so-called researchers that resembled Big Bird's footprint more than Bigfoot's footprint.

And it suddenly strike me that I've deleted all my previous posts in this blog because I was not too agreeing with its contents, mostly dull and unhappy. The posts were unhappy because on one hand I was loving a man very much and happy that he loved me too, but on the other hand I was very sad because I knew I loved him a lot more than he loved me. And so, I deleted everything, even the comments I had for Bigfoot in Malaysia.

Anyway, what was meant in the article was that the footprint cast showed what resembled more of Big Bird's footprint (Sesame Street Big Bird, mind you!) rather than the footprint of that huge furry creature. Because it is somewhat triangular at the end, not rounded like what footprints should be.

Well, that's all... just a short comment on this just in case people come barging into this blog to see what I had commented on after clicking the link to this blog in Charles' article.