Alone

I discovered that each time I feel down and unhappy, I'm usually alone in dealing with it. Can hardly have anyone close enough to give me that kind of emotional and moral support.



Recently my dad visited me in my dreams again, and showed me earthquakes. Similar to the tsunami few years back, a few days after the dream, I discovered that Russia, Japan and China had earthquakes and casualties in the quakes.



Can anyone understand this feeling at all? To know, but not know exactly where or when, and definitely can't help at all.



Is this a blessing or a curse? I have no idea. Don't know why my dad would appear in my sleep and show me these natural disasters, on things that I can't do anything about.



And nobody can understand at all. I spoke to my mom, she doesn't know what to say about it. I spoke to Charles, he can only say there's nothing I can do about it and it's not my fault that I can't.



Indeed, nobody can understand at all the agonizing feeling and the depression that follows thereafter.



Not just this, but I think each time whenever I feel down or in trouble, I tend to be alone. I had to pick myself up, except that now I have a very good friend, Wilson Chan, in HK who will blast at me whenever he sees that I'm down on the dumps and almost literally killing myself in my depressed state.



His blasting was good, almost like a good kick. Then after some talks, I might cry a lot, and then I will feel a lot better. Really thankful to him, otherwise I really won't have anyone to talk sense to me.



And this time, as always, I still need to handle things alone. There are family problems, and there are financial problems. I have the thought of marrying the man I love, but other people have other ideas of marrying me off to some rich man instead. How should I fight this battle?



Several times I wanted to renounce and be an 8-preceptor at the monastery, but each time I can't because of financial constraints. I can only finish paying up my credit card debts end of this year and that's when I will be free. I'm cancelling two cards from UOB Bank too, because they charge me if I don't use a minimum 6 times for each card per year. Terrible condition, isn't it? Doesn't matter, I still have other cards with annual fees waived and no such condition about using minimal usage per year for the entitlement.



Anyway, battles are meant to be fought. And most of the time I fight them alone. At least morally, mentally, now I have a best friend to keep me in check, and I won't give up on the idea of marrying the man I love. Either that or I don't marry at all for life. And there's only one "he", my heart is set for him alone and I won't waver for the rest of my life.