How Much Time Do I Still Have?

I don't know how long I still have to live.

A year ago I told Charles that I have problems with my stomach area. But I'm not yet dead. These days I eat papaya or spicy food and my stomach churns as if there's a hole in it. It hurts so much I can't stand straight or have a good night sleep.

Add on to that, my heart is breaking.

Scientific research said that human beings and animals are social creatures, always in need of company, thriving in company. But have anyone thought about the loneliness when all companies are gone?

I've always been quite alone but it was only recently that I started to think about this. I thought, I love Daniel so much. How do I feel if I lose him?

Horrible. There was a bitter loneliness that is coupled with helplessness. Nothing seemed right at all. Everything seemed dull and there's an agonizing feeling of dread. I dreaded to be alone without him.

Think again. I don't know how much time I still have.

I can only appreciate that before I go at least I found someone I can love so much. I can only appreciate my family, especially my mommy and my little nephew. I can only appreciate my late daddy for what he had done for the family. I can only appreciate my best friend, Wilson, and my closer friends such as Charles, Karen, Winnie and Nicholas because these people were there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I can only appreciate my colleagues for being such fun people and liven up the whole otherwise dead office. I can only appreciate my bosses for giving me the opportunity to serve in this company and for trusting my capabilities enough to give me this position and earn this salary.

I can only appreciate all my other friends, most of them just come and go and none truly staying long. I can only laugh and appreciate the brave approach of some guys who will tell me directly that they wish to elope with me, but sorry I do not easily love anyone. Besides I'm not that young to agree to elope so easily with anyone.

So I'm sick. And I need medication.

I used to think that I should abandon my medication so that I can be with the man I love. But what security is there? I questioned myself and I found out that I don't even know how to find him when I needed him most. I only know that I can't explain why I love him so. Fate? That was his answer. But where is fate hiding now?

At this moment, there is only one route for me, back to my medications. It includes meditation and dispassion. I wish to disocciate myself from all karmic consequences that can lead to future births and any other ties that binds. I wish to leave ultimately.

It's not that I don't love Daniel anymore. I do, I love him very much, more than he will ever understand. But I really think if I am ever going to suffocate him I should leave. Not just leave him but leave everyone else. Being associated is suffocating. And there's plenty of pain and sorrow.

Sorrow is an illness. Being attached to the sorrow, thinking that it will bring permanent happiness is insanity. I wish to be sane, because I don't think that Daniel will be feeding me my insanity.