How Much Time Do I Still Have?

I don't know how long I still have to live.

A year ago I told Charles that I have problems with my stomach area. But I'm not yet dead. These days I eat papaya or spicy food and my stomach churns as if there's a hole in it. It hurts so much I can't stand straight or have a good night sleep.

Add on to that, my heart is breaking.

Scientific research said that human beings and animals are social creatures, always in need of company, thriving in company. But have anyone thought about the loneliness when all companies are gone?

I've always been quite alone but it was only recently that I started to think about this. I thought, I love Daniel so much. How do I feel if I lose him?

Horrible. There was a bitter loneliness that is coupled with helplessness. Nothing seemed right at all. Everything seemed dull and there's an agonizing feeling of dread. I dreaded to be alone without him.

Think again. I don't know how much time I still have.

I can only appreciate that before I go at least I found someone I can love so much. I can only appreciate my family, especially my mommy and my little nephew. I can only appreciate my late daddy for what he had done for the family. I can only appreciate my best friend, Wilson, and my closer friends such as Charles, Karen, Winnie and Nicholas because these people were there for me when I needed someone to talk to. I can only appreciate my colleagues for being such fun people and liven up the whole otherwise dead office. I can only appreciate my bosses for giving me the opportunity to serve in this company and for trusting my capabilities enough to give me this position and earn this salary.

I can only appreciate all my other friends, most of them just come and go and none truly staying long. I can only laugh and appreciate the brave approach of some guys who will tell me directly that they wish to elope with me, but sorry I do not easily love anyone. Besides I'm not that young to agree to elope so easily with anyone.

So I'm sick. And I need medication.

I used to think that I should abandon my medication so that I can be with the man I love. But what security is there? I questioned myself and I found out that I don't even know how to find him when I needed him most. I only know that I can't explain why I love him so. Fate? That was his answer. But where is fate hiding now?

At this moment, there is only one route for me, back to my medications. It includes meditation and dispassion. I wish to disocciate myself from all karmic consequences that can lead to future births and any other ties that binds. I wish to leave ultimately.

It's not that I don't love Daniel anymore. I do, I love him very much, more than he will ever understand. But I really think if I am ever going to suffocate him I should leave. Not just leave him but leave everyone else. Being associated is suffocating. And there's plenty of pain and sorrow.

Sorrow is an illness. Being attached to the sorrow, thinking that it will bring permanent happiness is insanity. I wish to be sane, because I don't think that Daniel will be feeding me my insanity.

Alone

I discovered that each time I feel down and unhappy, I'm usually alone in dealing with it. Can hardly have anyone close enough to give me that kind of emotional and moral support.



Recently my dad visited me in my dreams again, and showed me earthquakes. Similar to the tsunami few years back, a few days after the dream, I discovered that Russia, Japan and China had earthquakes and casualties in the quakes.



Can anyone understand this feeling at all? To know, but not know exactly where or when, and definitely can't help at all.



Is this a blessing or a curse? I have no idea. Don't know why my dad would appear in my sleep and show me these natural disasters, on things that I can't do anything about.



And nobody can understand at all. I spoke to my mom, she doesn't know what to say about it. I spoke to Charles, he can only say there's nothing I can do about it and it's not my fault that I can't.



Indeed, nobody can understand at all the agonizing feeling and the depression that follows thereafter.



Not just this, but I think each time whenever I feel down or in trouble, I tend to be alone. I had to pick myself up, except that now I have a very good friend, Wilson Chan, in HK who will blast at me whenever he sees that I'm down on the dumps and almost literally killing myself in my depressed state.



His blasting was good, almost like a good kick. Then after some talks, I might cry a lot, and then I will feel a lot better. Really thankful to him, otherwise I really won't have anyone to talk sense to me.



And this time, as always, I still need to handle things alone. There are family problems, and there are financial problems. I have the thought of marrying the man I love, but other people have other ideas of marrying me off to some rich man instead. How should I fight this battle?



Several times I wanted to renounce and be an 8-preceptor at the monastery, but each time I can't because of financial constraints. I can only finish paying up my credit card debts end of this year and that's when I will be free. I'm cancelling two cards from UOB Bank too, because they charge me if I don't use a minimum 6 times for each card per year. Terrible condition, isn't it? Doesn't matter, I still have other cards with annual fees waived and no such condition about using minimal usage per year for the entitlement.



Anyway, battles are meant to be fought. And most of the time I fight them alone. At least morally, mentally, now I have a best friend to keep me in check, and I won't give up on the idea of marrying the man I love. Either that or I don't marry at all for life. And there's only one "he", my heart is set for him alone and I won't waver for the rest of my life.

A year to clear misunderstandings

A year had passed since I last spoke to API Charles Goh (Singapore) due to some misunderstanding and some things that Kenny (Simon Fong) had said, which caused a lot of division between us.

But now, many things are cleared. It took one year. Previously, it took 1 year also for me to clear misunderstandings with Kenny (half Singaporean?). And I can bet that it will take me another year to clear misunderstandings I have with Andre (yet another Singaporean).

What is it about Singapore that it always take one year to clear up misunderstandings? Year and year ago, my ex from Singapore also took one year to call me back, but I cannot possibly reconcile in the relationship because I was too hurt to do so. (Had no regrets, except that up to today I'm still not married... hahaha!)

So now, what I'm going to do is to extend my apology to Charles and then to delete all other derogatory information about him in this blog and in TwinPumpkins.com blog. I might as well just delete off TwinPumpkins blog because I'm going to let TwinPumpkins die when the site hosting expires. (Honestly I wanted to delete this blog as well as TwinPumpkins' blog if it wasn't for the Bigfoot stuff I've got in here, it's a support document for API's Malaysian Bigfoot Enigma article.)

But while I wish to extend my apology to API Charles, I still don't agree with bringing in crew for expedition in the forest reserve in search of Bigfoot. Nothing personal, I'm just quite a sentimental environmentalist.